


monster

by t4tterdemalion



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Fangirl - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, My First Fanfic, Roommates, Suicide Attempt, THIS IS BAD AND OLD SO MAYBE DON'T READ IT EVER, a big deal being made about simon not caring that baz is a vampire, oh wait okay the real actual tags:, the suicide is mentioned but doesn't happen, this is for historical record purposes only
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:21:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24713755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/t4tterdemalion/pseuds/t4tterdemalion
Summary: "Snow?""Yeah?""You're a terrible roommate."
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 4
Kudos: 43





	monster

**Author's Note:**

> For context this is the very very first og fic of mine that I wrote at 14 yrs old in a blinding fury on vacation after finding out that my christian grandparents owned literature about “praying the gay away”  
> I was stuck in their house so I buried the book in the backyard and then sat on the shag carpeting and wrote this piece by hand for two nights in a row  
> I’ve transcribed it exactly here for historical purposes
> 
> it is.....bad
> 
> and also includes quotations DIRECTLY from Fangirl because i didnt really get how to write fic that stood up and walked and talked on its own without some type of direct crutch or support 
> 
> no the title is not creative but at least its not self-insert fic

He had tripped, running down the hall to some class he didn't really care about, and now all his things were on the floor. His books, his ink and quills, even his laptop had spilled from his bag across the flagstones. He was standing among his things, staring at the Rorschach blot of dark ink on his hand, when he decided to leave. So Simon left.

Left his things. Left his cloak. The only thing he took was his wand, shoved into the back pocket of his jeans. Simon wandered through the empty halls until he reached the main doors and kept wandering. Across the Great Lawn, into the forest. He let the shadows under the trees swallow him up, and moved away from the fortress, deep into the forest's heart. There, he stopped, and leaned against the rough bark of a towering oak tree. Simon pushed away the thoughts whirling through his mind, until he came to one thought he couldn't shove aside. Sliding down the trunk of the oak, he sat down and leaned back his head, closing his eyes and remembering that night, just days ago...

.....

_Simon ran as fast as he could. Faster. Casting spells on his feet and legs, casting spells on the branches and stones in his path._

_He could already be too late - at first he thought he was, when he saw Agatha lying in a heap on the forest floor..... But it was a trembling heap. Agatha may be frightened, but she was still whole._

_Baz was kneeling over her and trembling just as hard. His hair hung forward in a way he normally wouldn't allow, and his pale skin glowed oddly in the moonlight, like the inside of a shell. Simon wondered for a moment why Agatha wasn't trying to escape. She must be dazed, he thought. Vampires could do that, couldn't they?_

_"Go. Away," Baz hissed._

_"Baz...," Simon said, holding his hand out._

_"Don't look at me."_

_Simon avoided Baz's eyes, but he didn't look away. "I'm not afraid of you," Simon said._

_"You should be. I could kill you both. Her first, then you, before you'd even realized I was doing it. I'm so fast, Simon...." His voice broke on the last two words._

_"I know...."_

_"And so strong..."_

_"I know."_

_"And so_ **_thirsty._ ** _"_

_Simon's voice was almost a whisper. "I know."_

_Baz's shoulders shook. Agatha started to sit up - she must be recovering. Simon looked at her gravely and shook his head. He was close now. In Baz's reach._

_"I'm not afraid of you, Baz."_

_"Why_ **_not_ ** _?" Baz whined. It was an animal whine. Wounded._

_"Because I know you. And I know you wouldn't hurt me." Simon held out his hand and gently pushed back the errant lock of black hair. Baz's head tilted up with the touch, his fangs popped and gleaming. "You're so **strong** , Baz."_

_Baz reached for him then, clutching Simon around the waist and pressing his face into his stomach._

_Agatha slid out from between them and ran toward the fortress. Simon held Baz by the back of his neck and curved his body over him. "I know," Simon said. "I know everything."_

.....

Eyes still closed, Simon let his head sink low, between his knees, and sighed. After that night.... After that night, Simon had thought that Baz would.... _Would what?_ sneered a voice inside his head. _You thought you could have been friends?_

Simon shook his head and sighed again. After that night, after Simon had held Baz so close to him, had held Baz as he shuddered with sobs, his pale skin so close to the color of his white school shirt, he had thought that things might have been different between them, and maybe they _could_ have been... Well, if not friends, then acquaintances, or at least not enemies.

But Basil had, seemingly, disappeared. He rarely showed up for class, and Simon never in their room. Simon hadn't looked for him, but he had expected Baz to show up by now. None of it mattered, anyway. Basil was a monster, and he had lied to Simon for so long, it was probably better that he was gone.

Simon stood, wearily stretching, then wincing as several joints popped. He willed his feet to move toward the fortress, but instead found himself plodding in the opposite direction. The ground had been sloping downward for some time now, and suddenly Simon broke the tree line and found himself on the edge of a ravine. Far below, a river rushed along the bottom, running out of sight. Simon was dimly aware that he was leaning much too far out over the steep drop, but he didn't really care. The bushes rustled behind him, and he whirled around. A figure burst out of the woods just as his foot went backwards and found nothing but air. Time slowed to a crawl. Simon heard a shout, " _SNOW!_ " and then he heard nothing but the wind rushing through his ears.

......

Simon realized that he wasn't dead when someone - or something - grabbed his arm, which snapped to attention with an unhealthy cracking as he dangled over the ravine.

"Snow." _Who..._ Simon thought.

"Snow." A voice he recognized. _No... It couldn't be.._.

"SNOW!"

"Basil?...." Simon muttered, prying his eyes open to see Baz lying on his stomach, his arm taut and hanging off the edge of the cliff.

"Oh joy. You're alive," griped Baz. "Now would you mind making my life easier and expressing your sense of self-preservation by actually _grabbing my hand_?!"

“But--”

“Don’t speak, Snow, or I will let go of your hand. Instead, move your arse and help me save us both from falling off this cliff.”

Simon got a little momentum, then hurled his arm upwards...and missed by a mile.

“Oh, come _on!_ Surely the Mage’s Heir can do better than that.”

Simon glared up at Baz. 

“Don’t,” he grunted, “ _call_ me that.”

Baz rolled his eyes. _How can he manage to be snarky while I’m dangling over a ravine?_

Simon reached once more for Basil’s hand. Baz reached down and caught it, then heaved, scraping his arms against the cliff edge and dislodging clods of earth. Blinking away bits of mud, Simon flailed his legs, scrabbling for a foothold on the smooth rock, the pushed upwards with all the muscles in his body. Slowly, painstakingly, Basil hauled him over the cliff, and they both collapsed on the ground, sweating and gasping. 

Simon lay on his back, breathing hard and staring at the sky. He could hear Baz heaving in air beside him. When Simon thought he could move again, he rolled onto his side toward Basil, and would have fallen on top of him if Baz hadn't stuck out an arm and shoved him back far enough so that he could balance on his elbow without toppling over.

"What are you even doing out here?" Simon gasped. "Having another rendezvous with Agatha?"

Still on his back, Basil wheezed out, "I should be asking you the same."

Choosing to ignore that comment, Simon asked incredulously, "Where have you even _been_? I haven't seen you since that night in the forest..."

Basil was silent, and Simon didn't have to look to see that he was remembering how he had cried for hours in Simon's arms, both of them kneeling on the forest floor. _Monster,_ Simon thought. Agatha's voice floated through his brain. _"Perhaps."_

"The library, mostly." Baz's voice startled Simon, and he glanced at Basil's face to find him watching, waiting for a response.

"But I didn't see you there...." His voice trailed off as Basil's eyes hardened and a sharpness came into his voice.

"Crowley, Snow, do you think I'm stupid? You didn't even look!"

Simon sat bolt upright. "You were spying on me!"

"No more than you spy on me," said Baz wearily.

Rolling onto his back again, Simon could feel his ears turning red. Grass rustled next to his head, and he turned his head to see that Baz was sitting up, gazing upwards. They stayed like that for some time until Simon spoke.

"I would have looked for you..." he said quietly. "But I thought that you would have at least attempted to look for me."

"I followed you here, you know."

Simon looked over at Baz.

"I thought you might get eaten by something and I'd have the chance to gloat.... But you tried to kill yourself instead." Baz met Simon's startled gaze with cold, gray eyes. Simon sat up and scooted closer to Baz.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself, you just startled me," Simon mumbled quietly.

"Snow, are you blind?!" Basil half-yelled."You would have fallen even if I hadn't startled you! You were leaning over the edge of a _cliff!!_ "

Shocked, Simon couldn't think of a reply. 

Baz shook his head, putting his face in his hands. Simon noticed he was breathing hard, as if to calm himself. 

“And I don’t --” Baz cut himself off with a puff of breath. Simon almost smiled. Could he possibly be seeing Basilton Pitch speechless?

After a minute Basil seemed to give up on his unfinished thought. He stood up and brushed off his jeans, headed toward the trees, then stopped and turned to Simon. His teeth glimmered white in the shadows as he grinned and said, “Coming?”

.....

"Snow?"

"Yeah?"

"You're a terrible roommate."

Stifling a laugh, Simon surveyed the damage. Baz was always the one that kept their room neat - well, semi-neat, anyway - and with him gone, it looked like a tornado had swept through. His books and laptop had been returned, and placed neatly on his wrinkled bed (probably Penny), but the rest of the room was covered with dirty laundry, open spellbooks, potion jars and ingredients, and Simon's pillow, which had somehow ended up under his desk.

Walking across the room, and almost tripping on a pile of sheets, Simon grabbed his pillow and tossed it onto his bed, where it knocked over the stack of books. Sarcastic clapping came from the doorway, and he turned to see Baz leaning against the doorframe, smirking at him.

"Well done, Snow," he said lazily, moving with lanky grace to Simon's bed and clearing the spilled books onto the floor, tossing the laptop to Simon, who scrambled to catch it.

"Tell me, do you try to be so clumsy or are you actually as chronically spastic and disorganized as you seem?" Baz said, pulling the sheets taut.

"Ha-ha," Simon grumbled, putting down his laptop, crossing the room, and gathering his books off the floor.

.....

They cleaned for hours, and by the time they were done, night had fallen and they were both exhausted.

"Baz?" said Simon, rolling over to shut off the light.

"Hmm?"

"Did you really think I was trying to kill myself?"

On the other side of the room, Basil sat up in the shadows of his bed curtains.

"Why would I kill myself?" asked Simon, as much to himself as to Baz.

"Agatha?"

Simon lay back and mentally probed his mind. Finally he answered, "I wouldn't kill myself because of Agatha."

"Then who?"

The silence between them grew. Simon could make out the vague shape of Baz in the darkness. He was sitting against his headboard with his arms wrapped around his knees.

"After that night in the forest..... I thought that something had changed."

Simon's voice cracked.

"And then, you were gone. I thought....that you had left for good. Or that you had been found out and taken to the Coven. I thought you were dead, Basil."

Simon was sitting up now, legs hanging over the edge of his bed.

"Nothing seemed to matter anymore, because you were-"

"A monster?" Baz's voice was barely a whisper.

"Gone. I was afraid, and I didn't realize it. I almost died."

The shadows shifted on the opposite bed as the silhouette that was Baz moved to the edge and sat opposite Simon. _He’s a monster,_ the voice in Simon's head taunted. _You thought you could have been friends?_

"You saved me," Simon whispered. The clouds moved aside, and the moon shone through their window. Baz was standing, still half-obscured by shadow.

"And you saved me, that night." Baz's voice was rough. "I could have killed you both, but you stopped me."

Simon realized that he was moving as well, standing, stepping forward into the pool of moonlight.

"Were you really afraid...for me?"

Simon nodded, unable to speak. Basil moved - more like flowed, he was that elegant - toward Simon. As he came into the moonlight, it reflected off his skin. _Like the inside of a shell..._ Simon thought.

He stepped closer, and saw that tears glittered in Baz's iron-gray eyes, and he realized that Basil was broken, just like him. _So fragile,_ he thought, _but so strong._ They were close enough now that Simon could see the points where Baz's fangs would pop out. _Monster! Vampire!_ hissed the voice in the back of his mind, but it fell silent as Baz reached out and slid his hand through Simon's butterscotch hair, resting it on the back of his neck. Basil's silver eyes were getting closer and closer, and Simon heard him whisper, "I will never leave you again."

And then Simon couldn't think because Baz's hands were in his hair, and Simon's arms went around him, and he could taste Baz, sweet like apples. His brain whirled, telling him no, stop, but Simon didn't care anymore, a different kind of not caring that felt like flying. He realized that he was stumbling backward clumsily, and his knees hit the edge of his bed. Simon fell back onto the bed, Baz falling on top of him. Simon thought that he should probably open his eyes and admire Baz's dark hair and crazy widow's peak, but he was too tired. And Baz was so warm. Simon got the feeling that this would ruin his life shortly, but he ran his fingers through Basil's long hair until everything faded away.

.....

He was slightly conscious when he felt warm cloth against his face. Then he realized that pillows don't move. Then Simon woke up. He was... Well, _tangled_ was the best word his sleep-addled brain could come up with. Baz was lying on his bed, facing him, with one of his arms around Simon and the other under his head. Simon had one of his hands woven into Basil's hair, and his face pressed into Baz's cotton t-shirt. They had both fallen asleep on top of the comforter, so there were no sheets tangled around his legs. Baz sighed, and Simon held very still as Basil pulled him closer.

"Good morning, Basil," Simon said, and then very suddenly found himself falling off the bed onto the floor.

"Aleister Crowley, Snow, you scared me half to death," gasped Baz, quickly sitting up.

"Well, you didn't have to shove me off the bed...." grumbled Simon.

There was a moment of silence. Looking up at Baz, he got a glimpse of an odd look on Basil’s face, before it was replaced with his trademark smirk. 

“This isn’t going to be weird now, is it?” Baz asked.

“No…” mumbled Simon.

Baz rolled his eyes for the thousandth(millionth) time. Simon rubbed at the back of his neck self-consciously. 

“Speak up, Snow,” Baz scoffed. “I’m always telling you, it drives everyone crazy when you do that.” Simon flushed to the tips of his ears, and glanced up at Basil to see him grinning openly.

“Yeah, well, I don’t remember you ‘always telling’ me anything until yesterday,” Simon said slyly, staring at Basil. He was rewarded with a slight flush on Basil’s cheeks. Satisfied, he heaved himself off the floor, to find that both he and Baz were wearing the same clothes from yesterday. Walking across the room, he dug through his dresser until he found another pair of jeans and a wrinkled but clean shirt. After he had changed, he turned back to find Basil staring at the ceiling.

"Chuck me a fresh pair of pants," Basil said. Simon opened Baz's dresser and tossed a pair in Basil's direction. They landed on the floor next to the bed.

"Your aim is magnificent, Snow, as always," said Basil, reaching down to get the pants.

"Stop griping," muttered Simon, going back to his bed and sitting down. "At least I got them for you."

"True," mused Baz, wiggling into his jeans.

"What day is it?" asked Simon, staring out the window.

"Saturday. No classes."

"Great," Simon said, standing quickly and making for the door.

"Oh, no no no." Baz hopped off the bed and blocked his path.

"Basil?"

"Yes?" said Baz, smirking slightly.

"May I exit the room?"

"No?"

"Why not?"

Basil pouted.

“Are you _pouting,_ Basilton Pitch?”

Baz pulled a face.

“Crowley, Simon, _please_ don’t call me by my almost-full name. I get enough of that at home.”

Simon froze. A slow grin overtook his face.

“Put that away,” Baz said, holding his arm over his eyes and mock grimacing. “It’s too early in the morning, you’re blinding me.”

“You,” Simon said, pointing at Basil, still grinning.

Baz popped his eyes. “Me what?”

“You called me Simon.”

“Well, I can assure you that it won’t happen again.”

Simon frowned.

“Oh, come off it, Snow. I can call you Simon if you really want. I’m only teasing.”

“You,” said Simon while attempting to move around Baz to the door, “can call me whatever you want as long as you let me leave. And since when do you tease me?”

Basil blocked his movements smoothly. “You’ll have to give me a better bargain than that.”

Irritated, Simon stepped back, lowered his shoulder, and charged. Baz sidestepped neatly like a matador, leaving his foot behind. “Come on, Snow, at least ask nicely.”

Picking himself up off the floor, Simon made an effort to not yell at Basil.

"May I pass?" he said.

"What will you give me?"

Simon considered this for a moment, then replied, "What do you want?"

"I thought you'd never ask," said Baz, grinning wickedly.

.....

Later, as Simon lay on his bed with his head on Baz's chest, and Basil's arm around his shoulders, Baz whispered, "You should just stay here with me today."

Simon barely hesitated before he replied, "Okay," and closed his eyes.

"Snow?"

"Yeah?"

"You're still a terrible roommate."

**Author's Note:**

> eeuuurrghh that last line..... good god
> 
> there's not a lot of people that will ever read this, so if you do.....  
> tell me something in the comments. leave it here for me to find.   
> it doesn't have to be about the story.   
> it just has to be real.


End file.
